1. |
Untitled
02:48
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It's the moment of silence between friends
It's the gravel we tuck behind our eyelids
It colors the timing we frame ourselves in
Making up room for these kindred spirits, will we open our souls?
Becoming the void we all must know, let go this need for control.
I spin cycle into stillness again,
Relax for a moment,
Then it's back into the winding up,
Release
Everything in circles around me
Decrease
Being so destructive in my loving
Can I remember the trust that you gave to move on?
Onward to much better things
Release everything in circles
Decrease living so destructively
And all of these patterns I fit myself into won’t feel the same anymore
I mouthed the words I couldn't shout, willed my tongue to twist them out into the open
But nothing came
My eyes drilled holes into the ceiling
And I escaped through them each night when the lights dimmed.
It was easier to distract than it was to dismiss
And the pieces didn't fit anyway.
Awkward pauses and empty space between each word, more just reactions than anything
One moment for no reason in particular it began to grow
Quietly and without grace the feeling persisted
Time passed and it continued to grow until it engulfed/filled the room.
Claustrophobic hours began to choke
And I permitted it
Passively holding on
And right now I feel like nothing's changed
Passive patterns wear me well
Life doesn't always leap out at you violently, it's more a slow burning realization compiled over many months
Ordinary in its dread, mild in its ways
creeping into your nights in quiet tones and numbing each morning
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2. |
Without
04:18
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Ceiling lights catching eyes
Beneath a warm glow
Lost in the temporary
Impermanence asks for apathy
Yet i find myself fumbling for more
Torn between the idea and the feeling
Far from what i need
Far from everything
Everything is transient
Everything in motion
We wait for no man to make his plans for us
Like the moon pulls the ocean, we make our own waves
We make our own way
Anymore it's fleeting
A flicker here or there
Long nights bathed in the glow of fluorescent lighting
washing away the hours in the back room
While everything outside seems to fade
Things falling out place
Watch the season take
Everything is transient
Everything in motion
Less a lull more a notion that I can't control the things around me anymore
I just don't know how to feel
I'm just so unsure
I just don't know anymore
With or without this I'll be ok
With or without this I'll be fine
With all we’ve grown in honest now come around for harvest
I can know we control just how we can take the poison out
Clip your cross off and pull out the arrow
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3. |
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Life lets itself in and out without warning
One moment felt enormously
seconds pouring with weight
Cool night air mixed with rain
And things are alright
Others idle, passing without much thought
Weaved into the daily routine we shape ourselves around
Until all of our bones have turned to rust,
the machines in our minds aren't giving up.
I've heard that you get back what you have made
and all that I can create are mistakes
Like the hours we wish away, hands dirtied with our common means to an end
Leaving us breathless
Feet tired, we shuffle into the night and wring out every last second spent outside of this
A common struggle worth a drink or two
A shared experience we wear like a uniform
Such symmetry in each worn out look
Is this all that we can do, just wait it out?
I guess good opportunities, for me, are over now.
At best, I've made an opening for someone else
to find peace in this moment and hopefully love themselves.
This common thread patterned like wallpaper
Floral and ivy covering up our surroundings
And in the grand scheme of things, don't we all blend?
I swear I've seen you somewhere before
Another late conversation, another raised glass to pass the time
These nights all blend the same
And the morning light is so intrusive
I want to be so much more alive
I want to spend so much more time
With intention
Feel the breath in my lungs not mixed in with smoke
But gasping for something cleaner
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4. |
Oddish
04:30
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This past year has sharpened me like a knife
Scraping off each dull end
Slow to listen
and quick to speak
A hard year
Full of wear
And I wear each experience without grace it seems
Faces fall passed and I've left them there
Sometimes I hear their voices echo
But still I move, slowly forward
April blossoms with longer hours, and the cold still lingers
As if to remind me of what's been before
Months passed in constant busy
And most nights I live between
But tonight I stand poised and ready, aware of my colder demeanor, but determined to keep moving,
Will myself forward
Drag each limb across the cool floor, and always remember to keep warm
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5. |
Serengeti Western
04:22
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It settles slowly
Coming on like the rain
Blanketing my thoughts beneath
Or other times a steady hum building in my stomach
both bleeding into the same
Heavy feeling
Anxious thoughts
pulsating patterns
Spiraling down until I tie myself into the sheets
Sleeping off the weight
Until morning
Mixing memory and desire
Stinging gold swarms into the night
And endless loop
Knotted and tangled in the way they catch
Ringing out all discordant and projecting onto those around me
Footsteps carry me through the motions of each ordinary movement
While the time between tasks filters through this lens
Slowly dripping into the hours
Grey eyes find the light
Slow breathing
Let it all dissipate
Down the unwinding staircase of your mind
Push and pull
An awkward dance
My wooden legs refuse to budge
So carve them as you will
Smooth away the edges
till I resemble something of use
And when the day is over oh let me feel used
It settles slowly
Coming on like the rain
Blanketing my thoughts beneath
A routine pattern
Repeating over and over
Coughing out between my teeth
I'm choking on my breath, I'm falling through the floor again
I'm choking on my breath,
I'm falling through the floor again
My stomachs starting to pitch
Knotting my thoughts
Fraying the ends
Twisting the seams
Braiding my fears
Lately my minds a mess, littered with all the same worn out themes
Pouring out my open mouth
Every reason to doubt
I'm just trying to get healthy
A fine line between clutter and conviction
Fill the calendar with endless ways
Keep these hands calloused
Gripping the rope
Pulling upwards
Hazy weeks spent pulling teeth
Burnt out days crawling on my hands and knees
Validate my actions
I'm choking on my breath, I'm falling through the floor again
I'm choking on my breath,
I'm falling through the floor again
My stomachs starting to pitch
Knotting my thoughts
Fraying the ends
Twisting the seams
Braiding my fears
And when they day is over oh let me feel used
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6. |
New Phone
05:06
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We have each moment left out in the open for everyone to see.
But how to explain what we contain?
Thoughts turn like leaves, and I buried myself in the back and forth of it all
Busied myself with whatever means to keep distracted
We give whatever we get
but what we contain isn't always up to us.
Oh, how I want to explode all the time!
Routine breathing, marked with cigarettes
And Breathing out tobacco prayers
These late nights spilling over into morning
I see each face in the same way
It's just the way I was made
Keep me close, keep me here
Keep me safe, keep me near
Right now, all I fear in my life is a liar
Safety in stability or another part to explore
I'll lie in the familiar while that voice still sits inside my head
I just can't sound it out
I'm too committed
When is everything is all we've got I won't be content to watch it rot
I swallowed all of my amnesty
And there are times I feel at home
I feel at home with myself
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Pancho Casanova Conway, Arkansas
Post-hardcore / whatever way down yonder in Arkansas
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